A Mothers Day Tribute ♥

This is my mother......Gayle Van Orden Belnap

She was, is and will always be the greatest person I have ever known.  I hope that one day I can be as good a wife, mother, friend, daughter and person that she was.  Never in my life have I heard one person say any unkind thing about her, because she truly was the image of kindness.  She did anything and everything every single day to help others before she helped herself.  An act of selflessness that I have not been as blessed with as she was. 

She was born on September 13, 1953, she was taken far too soon when she was only 43 years old.  The details of this tragic story many of you already know, for those that don't, if you wish to know more about it, please feel free to ask me.  It was the most trying experience in my life so far as an 11 year old girl.  I hadn't even experienced most of the things that daughters and mothers get to experience together.  For that, I have always been jealous of those who were allowed so much more quality time with her.  However, knowing that I will see her again someday and that I will be able to have all of those missed conversations, those lost smiles, those missing hugs, that advice that I yearn for daily, is the greatest blessing of all.

I ache for her.  I miss her every moment of every single day.  Every now and then, a smell will make me think of her.  And I can never quite put a finger on what that particular smell comes from, but I know in my heart, it belongs to her in some way.  As much comfort as knowing that she is always with me in spirit can bring, it can never fully fill that void that I so desperately need in my life. 

I am so grateful to those that have worked so hard to fill that void for me.  My sisters.  I would be so lost without them, they have taken over the mom role in so many ways and I will be eternally grateful for that.  All of my "adopted" moms that have loved me unconditionally and taken me under their wing because they know what I am missing, you are amazing.  For my awesome bonus mom, you are wonderful.  I'm so grateful to have you in my life and a part of our family. 

My friends, you have always been there for me no matter what.  Some were there the moment I found out she wasn't going to last much longer.  I will never forget your kindness and love towards me during such a difficult time in my life.  You are all my angels.  ♥

So, with that being said, hug your mother today, call her just to tell her you love her, go visit her, listen to her stories, allow her to be such a huge part of your life.  You never know when will be the last time you ever get to see her, talk to her, hug her, feel her.  Life is so short.

I know she loves me, I know she is always with me, I know I WILL see her again, I know she is cheering me on every day, and no matter how many mistakes I make, she will always love me.  Hold onto her tight, and never.let.her.go.  ♥

 This is her when my parents first got married

 This is my mom and my sister, Ali

 My mom and dad's wedding day

Mom as a baby

There are so many songs that remind me of her, I'll share those with you today.  ♥

I love you mama.......can't wait to see you again  ♥

Dear Future Husband.......

I don't know if I've met you yet, I don't know when I will.  Perhaps you're wondering the same things about me.  I imagine what will happen when I finally meet you.  Will it be like an "AHA" moment and I'll just KNOW without a doubt that you are the one?  Will we bump into each other on the streets like in the old, romance movies?  Will it be like an Audrey Hepburn moment?  What will you think of me?  Will you think I'm beautiful?  Will you think I'm fun?  Will you know right away that I am the one for you?

Will you have blue eyes?  Or maybe green?  Will you be tall so I can stand on my tippy-toes when I go to hug you?  Will you have a big smile?  Will you laugh at silly things?  Will you be silly with me?  Will you play with me?  Will you have blonde hair or brown?

Will you love me despite my flaws?  Will you love me despite my past?  Will we have a love story unlike any other?  Will you be my best friend?  Will you know how much the little things mean to me?  Holding my door, holding my hand, kissing my forehead, calling me just to tell me you love me, cuddling with me, holding me when I'm sad, protecting me when I'm scared?

What will your family be like?  Will you have a big family like me?  Will your family be as amazing and crazy fun as mine?  Will my family love you?  Will your family love me?  Will you love my sweet mother, even though you won't get to meet her in this life?  Will you want kids?  How many?  Will you have special names picked out like me?

What kind of future will you want?  Will you grow old with me?  Will you spend eternity with me?  Will you take care of me?  Will you serve a mission with me when we're old?  Will you play with our grandkids?  Will you always be my prince?  Will you dream with me?  Will you wish with me?

I can't wait for the day when we finally meet and build a life together.....I know you're searching for me too.  Keep looking, I'm here.  I'll.always.wait.for.you.  ♥

♥  "For You From Me"  ♥

Love, Your Future Wife  ♥

The Sun'll Come Out TOMORROW!.......

Wow!  What a crazy few days it has been!  I have been so up and down with my emotions this week.  I feel a little like I have bipolar.  One minute I am perfectly happy, and then suddenly it's like I just watched my dog get run over.  (theoretically, of course, because I don't actually have a dog.  But it would be very sad!) 

When I moved up here to b-e-a-utiful Colorado, I honestly had no idea what to expect.  Of course, there's the "fairy tale" that everyone hopes for when they embark on a journey such as this.  I didn't really imagine rainbows and butterflies and unicorns and that everything would magically fall at my feet.  BUT, I NEVER expected it to be THIS hard.

I just walked away.

All week, I have just wanted to go home.  But when I really sit back and think about it, where is my home?  I feel like I'm stuck.  Stuck in what I like to call the "in-between".  It's like that place where you're dreaming, but you're not 100% asleep yet and nothing really makes sense.  Or maybe even that pieces of dreamland and awakeland are almost melting together and it's hard to distinguish between the two.

Now, don't get me wrong.  AZ will always be considered "home" to me.  I grew up there, I made memories there, I have very dear friends there that I miss tremendously, my sisters are there, my nephews are there.  There are plenty of PEOPLE there for me, but I just didn't feel like I belonged.  And now, here I am in CO and I have a lot of people that I love here too.  So, really, "home" is in both places right now, so to speak.

I spoke to a person today that has become so near and dear to my heart in such a short amount of time that it's almost overwhelming how much I look up to him.  He gave me the best advice I have received in a long time today and he just let me talk and cry and completely fall apart in front of him.  (poor guy, that was our first "official" conversation)  It felt good to cry, it felt good to let out all of that hurt and frustration that I just couldn't seem to get out anywhere else.  I know he is in my life for a purpose, and I will always be eternally grateful for what he did for me today.  It may seem small to some, but it meant the world to me.

So, here I am, making a goal for myself.  I feel as if I have made this goal countless times before, but I won't give up.  I will fight to the death.

I will be happy.
I will realize that I AM enough.
I will realize that it's okay to be exactly the way I am, even if some do not understand.
I will be myself and not be ashamed.
I will grow spiritually.
I will strive to be more patient.
I will love harder.
I will live better.
I will laugh louder.
I will just.be.me.  ♥

And here's some motivation for me (and hopefully for you, if you need it too)

My personal favorite ♥

I love you all so dearly!  Thank you for being a part of my adventure!  ♥

Remember When.......

I wish I could go back.  Back to the days when nothing else mattered but having fun and being HAPPY.  What happened to those days?  Days when it didn't matter what you wore, or if you had makeup on before you went anywhere, and you just didn't care what people thought of you.  I miss that.

Lately, it feels like it's just getting harder and harder to please people.  And I have always been a people pleaser.  I like to be liked.  I think I'm a nice person, easy to get along with, fun, pretty, silly......but why does it feel like it's never enough?  What can I do?  How can I be better?  What's missing?  I just don't get it.

I guess I can only do as much as I can.  If it's not enough, then it's not enough.  Someday I WILL be enough for someone.......♥

Somewhere out there.......

"Sometimes I feel like there's a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. The moon tonight, there's a circle around it. Sign of trouble not far behind. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing... I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don't know. Maybe I had my happiness. I don't want to believe it but, there is no man. Only that moon."


This is one of my all time favorite quotes from one of the best movies ever made, "Practical Magic".  I find myself quoting this inside my head quite frequently.  I don't know why, but it usually brings me so much peace.  I know he's waiting for me.  I know he has been searching for me, like I have been searching for him.  But sometimes, I fear I may never find him. 

Since moving to Colorado and being away from my family and closest friends, I feel like I have been on one hell of an emotional roller coaster.  Most days, I LOVE it here!  The weather is beautiful, I have made new friends, I haven't found a job yet, but I know I will soon, my relationship with Tiff and Drew has excelled so much and I am so grateful for all that they have done for me!

So, why does it constantly feel like there is such a key piece of me missing?  I miss my mom.  I need her.  She would know exactly what to say to me to get me through this.  I can't even count how many times I have wanted to pick up the phone in the last month and call her, just to hear her voice.  Why is that happening?  She's been gone for almost 16 years, I shouldn't think that I can just do that whenever I feel like it.  I remember daily that she is gone, each day her laugh falls further from my mind, memories with her feel like they are constantly slipping away.

As I sit here, writing all of this, it's not helping.  And it ALWAYS helps.  Blogging is the best therapy for me and it always makes things better, but today......I just don't know.

Recently, I have discovered that I don't have ONE single picture of my mother and I together.  How does something like that even happen?  The only picture that I remember of us together was when we took our last trip together as a family (before the accident) up here to Colorado.  We went to Pikes Peak, The Cave of the Winds and rode the train up Pikes Peak Mountain.  The picture is of us sitting together on the train, faces close together and just so happy.  I would give ANYTHING to go back to that moment, back to the way things used to be before my life started crumbling before my eyes.

I really don't mean to focus so much on what's making me sad, but today is just that day.  I just need her.  ♥

Changes.....

I feel........how do I feel?  I feel blessed, loved, happy, scared, excited, sad, I think that's it.  At least right now anyway.

I move to Colorado in just 2 weeks.  That's 14 days or 336 hours, I haven't quite decided which way it sounds better.  I am so excited to see what Colorado will bring me!  I pray that everything will work out and I will find my place in this world and figure out what it is I'm supposed to be doing with my life.  I know this much, I am going to have FUN!  I will try harder, laugh louder, love stronger, live better and BE AWESOME!

But I can't help but feel so sad at the same time.  My relationships with people have become so much stronger over the past few weeks and it's making it that much harder to go.  I know that I am making the right choice and that this will be so good for me, but I have never been so far out of my comfort zone and it's kind of freaking me out.

But the thing is, I know I'm going to be okay.  As freaked out as I am, I.can't.wait.  Meeting new people, starting a new job, making new friends, dating, being ME.  It's gonna be totally awesome.  ♥

Adventures wait ahead.......

Well, it's finally time for my official announcement so that everyone knows what's happening!  I have known about this since September, but obviously, just in case anything changed, I haven't made it official yet.  But as of today, it is definitely official.  Like, 22 days from now official.  Are you ready for this?  Are you sure?  Some of you may want to sit down.....just sayin.  Here goes......

I



AM



MOVING



TO



ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE READY?.........



LAST CHANCE TO STOP READING........



OKAY, DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU........



COLORADO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Can you believe it?  I am admittedly in shock today.  I just turned in my official resignation letter at my job and I feel SO weird.  It's definitely a bittersweet emotion.  I feel like I have been walking in circles over the past year or so.  I'm not progressing, I haven't met anyone "special" and I just feel lost.  So, I have been praying and praying AND praying about where I'm supposed to be and what I'm supposed to do with my life.  I was lucky enough to visit my fabulous cousin Tiffany in September, and being there, I felt more at home than I have in a long time.  It just fit.  I felt so strongly that I was supposed to be there.  What am I going to do once I get there?  Well, I haven't actually gotten that far yet.  I'm taking some time off of work and I'm just going to play for a while.  I need a break.  I have never taken chances, I have never stepped out of my comfort zone and I certainly have NEVER thought about moving so far away from "home".  And I use quotations simply because AZ will always be home because I have lived here my whole life, but it hasn't felt like home in so long, that I don't actually know where my true home is yet.  But I am looking forward to figuring that out over the next few weeks, months, years.  However long it takes.

I have no idea what's going to happen once I get there, and I'll admit that I may or may not be freaking out a little bit.  Ok, maybe a lot.  But it's not a freaking out that is like a bad feeling.  It's a freaking out because I'm moving away from my friends, my family, my sisters, my nephews, my cousins, my LIFE!  But I know that my Heavenly Father is leading me there for a reason.  I can't wait to find out what that reason is.  This is most likely going to be one of the hardest things that I have ever done.  But I know I can do it.  I have overcome so much more in my life and this will just be another way for me to grow! 

I will miss all of you desperately!  Please don't forget about me!  Keep in touch as often as you can!  Come visit me!  :)  Colorado is absolutely beautiful!  As my brother in law would say, "Colorado is good for the soul!"  I truly believe that.  Also, stay tuned for more info on a "farewell party" I will be having before I go!  This adventure is gonna be totally awesome!  Colorado, I hope you're ready for me!  Because here.I.come.  ♥

My heart is breaking......

I have no idea what's going on with me.  My head feels like it may explode and my emotions feel like they are being ripped in a million different directions.  Calli went "home" to Florida tonight.  I wouldn't let myself cry in front of her because I knew she was already sad enough, but ever since I got home, the sadness has consumed me.  I haven't had a complete meltdown yet (and I hope I really don't), but I feel like a huge piece of my heart just disappeared. 

Moments like this are so unhealthy for me.

I miss my mom, my heart aches for her.  I need her.  I need her advice.  I need her embrace.  I need her smile.  I need her laugh.  I need her shoulder to cry on.  I just need her.

I don't care what anyone says......it never gets easier.

Christmas 2011 ♥

Wow, I am totally slacking on my posting on here!  I have been so busy!  Here's just a few pictures from when I went to Nevada to spend Christmas with my parents!  It was super chilly there and I was REALLY sick for the first few days, but I still had a great time!  It was nice to get away for a few days!

 I have no idea why this is sideways, but still beautiful!

Gorgeous Nativity!

Sideways again, but gorgeous!

Coolest bonus mom ever!  Love her!

Spending time with my parents is always wonderful!  I had a great time!!

These days.....

Lately, it's been so easy to find reasons to be happy.  It's a very foreign place for me, but all I know is that it feels great.  I feel like I post about the same things over and over, but for now, this is what I know.

I am 26 years old, I am a daughter, a granddaughter, a sister, an aunt, a friend, a recovering drug addict (5 years woot!), a lover of music for life, a future mommy (I hope!), a cousin, a Daughter of God.  I know there are a lot more, but let's not get too carried away.  I'm loud, I smile so big my face hurts, when I cry I CRY, I hurt when others hurt, I laugh as if the whole world is listening, I have OCD, I am a perfectionist, I panic, I sing as loud as I can without caring who hears, I miss my mom every single day without fail, I'm a worrier, sometimes my heart feels like it may burst with so many different emotions, I still try and save everyone even though deep down I know that's out of my control, this is me.

As most of you know, I am a big quote person.  I find a quote and I can almost always find some way to relate it to something that has happened or is currently happening in my life.  I feel it expresses my emotions in a way that I could not describe.  It gives me a small amount of peace knowing that someone, somewhere had to go through something similar in order to come up with that.  Here are a few that I have recently applied to my life instead of just thinking about it....

"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius.  And it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.  And when it comes down to it, I let them think what they want.  If they care enough to bother with what I do, I'm already better than them"  -Marilyn Monroe

"I believe that everything happens for a reason.  People change so that you can learn to let go.  Things go wrong, so that you appreciate them when they're right.  You believe lies so that you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself.  And sometimes good things fall apart, so that better things can fall together"  -Marilyn Monroe

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure.  I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle.  But if you can't handle me at my worst then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best"  -Marilyn Monroe

Of course, they are all by the fabulous Marilyn.

Just a few days ago, I was talking to my bonus mom and filling her in how things are going and I said something along the lines of "I'm not going to stress out so much about the way that people think about me anymore.  If you don't like me, then that's too bad for you because I'm a good person.  And if you are only going to judge me on my outer appearance, then why am I even wasting my time with you?"  Words cannot describe how good it felt to say all of that out loud.  As soon as it came out, I thought about taking it back, because I have never said anything like that before.  But now, I repeat it to myself at least once a day and remember that I am beautiful and awesome and fun and it's getting easier every day to say it, even think it.

This week, I had a very interesting and eye opening experience.  It might sound silly to a lot of you, because it's probably not a big deal to most, but this changed my "life" just a little bit.  And it's all thanks to Kaitlyn and her fabulous shopping skills!  Being someone that has struggled with my weight basically my entire life, I have always had this thought in my head that "because I'm a bigger girl, I can't wear all the cute outfits that most people wear"  I always have something that I think is cute to wear, but I always have worn the long skirts, and anything that will cover my legs and my arms.  I just never felt like I looked good being all cute and stylish with things like a short skirt and a sassy top, with some tights and heels.  Well, let me tell you something!  Kaitlyn convinced me try on a complete outfit that I would have NEVER picked out on my own and I think I'm in love!  I couldn't believe how flattering it was, when all this time I thought it would make me look bigger and I would be SO uncomfortable.  I haven't felt that good in my own skin in quite some time.  And don't you fret, because I will be wearing this outfit on Sunday (where I will be singing in Relief Society AH!) and I will be sure to get a picture, so I can always remember how pretty I felt.  :)

Basically, what I'm getting at with all of this "nonsense" talk is that I am so ready to take more chances, to conquer my fears and try everything at least once.  I may never wear a long, frumpy skirt again.  What's the worst that could happen in trying something new?  I could fail.  That has been what has stopped me all these years from doing anything super adventurous.  It is definitely my biggest fear in life.  But I've learned that NOT taking chances and NOT trying new things, I am failing worse than if I would at least try.

So today, I make a commitment.  I will try to be more confident, I will realize that just because I'm a thicker girl, doesn't mean I can't wear certain things, I will utilize my talents and share them as often as I can, I will just be ME!  I am so ecstatic about the adventures that await me ahead....... ♥